Part 6

EXPERIENCE

The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:

"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room.

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.

"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.

"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."

EXPERTS

There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."

EXPLICITNESS

On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to do so.

"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure and take that pill."

"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me where to take it to."

EXTRAVAGANCE

A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.

But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her comment:

"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly, the thing looks skimpy—decidedly skimpy!"

For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.

FACTS

The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:

"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."

The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:

"Sech talk ain't nice—and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."

FASHION

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:

"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same kind the other women are wearing."

"The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze, "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked, "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees, "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"

But not the modern woman!

FAVORS

At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.

"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum, it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."

FIGHTING

The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:

"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."

The father nodded gravely.

"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."

The little boy's face brightened.

"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"

FINANCE

A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what her mission:

"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay some bills."

The successful financier snorted contemptuously.

"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."

"But only one honest way," a listener declared.

"What way is that?" the financier demanded.

"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

The eminent financier was discoursing.

"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."

"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."

The financier shook his head contemptuously.

"No—to corner it."

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, Bank. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty dollars of my own money."

FINANCIERS

"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.

"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are in jail, too."

FISHING

The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of tuna fishing.

"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less than a hundred pounds is poor sport."

The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:

"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"

The congressman nodded.

"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch one?"

FLATTERY

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."

The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme scorn, and hissed:

"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

FLEAS

The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner by the distinguished statesman.

"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant smile.

"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."

FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."

"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."

FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell—like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"The flood—Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:

"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."

FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning—

"An attachment a la Plato For a bashful young potato."

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following paragraph:

"At — Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard —, eldest son of Mr. and Mrs. —, and a bouquet of pink carnations."

FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

"Into the river—I've just come out!"

FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would surely run after them.

FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a comment as the speaker paused:

"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.

"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a—er—culinary sense."

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

FORESIGHT

The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall.

The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.

"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."

FORGETFULNESS

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him.

"Hi, you! where are you going?"

"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid dis-heah plank."

"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.

The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed good-naturedly:

"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean forgitted dat plank!"

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential, and exhibited a string tied around a finger.

"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"

A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.

"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to remind you of?"

The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:

"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and then my wife told me what the string was for all right—she certainly did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind me to be sure to come home early."

The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she addressed in a strenuous whisper:

"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as fast as you can, and fetch the baby."

FORM

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:

"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."

A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning the bride:

"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"

The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:

"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure would have given her three or four more passes."

FRAUD

The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real diamond.

"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."

FRIENDSHIP

The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very miserable and lonely indeed.

"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.

The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:

"I have one friend—but I hate him!"

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the congregation. The letter opened in this form:

"Dear Friends:

"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so well."

FRENCH

An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:

"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitte ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas ou le trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route a la train?"

"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak French, either."

FUSSINESS

The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:

"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to yerself?"

GENDER

It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament.

"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"

Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab, necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever to do with the case.

GENTLEMAN

There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing un to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:

"Sir—I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this—

"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"

GEOGRAPHY

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly assembled. The answer was explicit:

"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."

GHOSTS

There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to the haunted house for the night.

When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing negro.

But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue.

"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de las' foh days?"

And Sam answered simply:

"Ah's been comin' back."

GOD

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride:

"I'm drawing a picture of God."

"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God looks."

"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they will."

GOD'S WILL

The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:

"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."

His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:

"Yes, we beat it and beat it until—until God called it home!"

GOLF

The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.

"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are."

"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.

And the caddy replied:

"Arbuthnot-Joyce."

GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed, but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his protest, however, the father insisted.

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:

"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.

"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practise it!"

GRAMMAR

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb.

"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.

The little girl corrected the lady:

"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."