Part 4

MYRRHINE

You can rely on me.

LYSISTRATA

I'll stay here to help In working up his ardor to its height Of vain magnificence.... The rest to their quarters.

Enter CINESIAS.

Who is this that stands within our lines?

CINESIAS

I.

LYSISTRATA

A man?

CINESIAS

Too much a man!

LYSISTRATA

Then be off at once.

CINESIAS

Who are you that thus eject me?

LYSISTRATA

Guard for the day.

CINESIAS

By all the gods, then call Myrrhine hither.

LYSISTRATA

So, call Myrrhine hither! Who are you?

CINESIAS

I am her husband Cinesias, son of Anthros.

LYSISTRATA

Welcome, dear friend! That glorious name of yours Is quite familiar in our ranks. Your wife Continually has it in her mouth. She cannot touch an apple or an egg But she must say, "This to Cinesias!"

CINESIAS

O is that true?

LYSISTRATA

By Aphrodite, it is. If the conversation strikes on men, your wife Cuts in with, "All are boobies by Cinesias."

CINESIAS

Then call her here.

LYSISTRATA

And what am I to get?

CINESIAS

This, if you want it.... See, what I have here. But not to take away.

LYSISTRATA

Then I'll call her.

CINESIAS

Be quick, be quick. All grace is wiped from life Since she went away. O sad, sad am I When there I enter on that loneliness, And wine is unvintaged of the sun's flavour. And food is tasteless. But I've put on weight.

MYRRHINE (above)

I love him O so much! but he won't have it. Don't call me down to him.

CINESIAS

Sweet little Myrrhine! What do you mean? Come here.

MYRRHINE

O no I won't. Why are you calling me? You don't want me.

CINESIAS

Not want you! with this week-old strength of love.

MYRRHINE

Farewell.

CINESIAS

Don't go, please don't go, Myrrhine. At least you'll hear our child. Call your mother, lad.

CHILD

Mummy ... mummy ... mummy!

CINESIAS

There now, don't you feel pity for the child? He's not been fed or washed now for six days.

MYRRHINE

I certainly pity him with so heartless a father.

CINESIAS

Come down, my sweetest, come for the child's sake.

MYRRHINE

A trying life it is to be a mother! I suppose I'd better go. She comes down.

CINESIAS

How much younger she looks, How fresher and how prettier! Myrrhine, Lift up your lovely face, your disdainful face; And your ankle ... let your scorn step out its worst; It only rubs me to more ardor here.

MYRRHINE (playing with the child)

You're as innocent as he's iniquitous. Let me kiss you, honey-petting, mother's darling.

CINESIAS

How wrong to follow other women's counsel And let loose all these throbbing voids in yourself As well as in me. Don't you go throb-throb?

MYRRHINE

Take away your hands.

CINESIAS

Everything in the house Is being ruined.

MYRRHINE

I don't care at all.

CINESIAS

The roosters are picking all your web to rags. Do you mind that?

MYRRHINE

Not I.

CINESIAS

What time we've wasted We might have drenched with Paphian laughter, flung On Aphrodite's Mysteries. O come here.

MYRRHINE

Not till a treaty finishes the war.

CINESIAS

If you must have it, then we'll get it done.

MYRRHINE

Do it and I'll come home. Till then I am bound.

CINESIAS

Well, can't your oath perhaps be got around?

MYRRHINE

No ... no ... still I'll not say that I don't love you.

CINESIAS

You love me! Then dear girl, let me also love you.

MYRRHINE

You must be joking. The boy's looking on.

CINESIAS

Here, Manes, take the child home!... There, he's gone. There's nothing in the way now. Come to the point.

MYRRHINE

Here in the open! In plain sight?

CINESIAS

In Pan's cave. A splendid place.

MYRRHINE

Where shall I dress my hair again Before returning to the citadel?

CINESIAS

You can easily primp yourself in the Clepsydra.

MYRRHINE

But how can I break my oath?

CINESIAS

Leave that to me, I'll take all risk.

MYRRHINE

Well, I'll make you comfortable.

CINESIAS

Don't worry. I'd as soon lie on the grass.

MYRRHINE

No, by Apollo, in spite of all your faults I won't have you lying on the nasty earth. (From here MYRRHINE keeps on going off to fetch things.)

CINESIAS

Ah, how she loves me.

MYRRHINE

Rest there on the bench, While I arrange my clothes. O what a nuisance, I must find some cushions first.

CINESIAS

Why some cushions? Please don't get them!

MYRRHINE

What? The plain, hard wood? Never, by Artemis! That would be too vulgar.

CINESIAS

Open your arms!

MYRRHINE

No. Wait a second.

CINESIAS

O.... Then hurry back again.

MYRRHINE

Here the cushions are. Lie down while I—O dear! But what a shame, You need more pillows.

CINESIAS

I don't want them, dear.

MYRRHINE

But I do.

CINESIAS

Thwarted affection mine, They treat you just like Heracles at a feast With cheats of dainties, O disappointing arms!

MYRRHINE

Raise up your head.

CINESIAS

There, that's everything at last.

MYRRHINE

Yes, all.

CINESIAS

Then run to my arms, you golden girl.

MYRRHINE

I'm loosening my girdle now. But you've not forgotten? You're not deceiving me about the Treaty?

CINESIAS

No, by my life, I'm not.

MYRRHINE

Why, you've no blanket.

CINESIAS

It's not the silly blanket's warmth but yours I want.

MYRRHINE

Never mind. You'll soon have both. I'll come straight back.

CINESIAS

The woman will choke me with her coverlets.

MYRRHINE

Get up a moment.

CINESIAS

I'm up high enough.

MYRRHINE

Would you like me to perfume you?

CINESIAS

By Apollo, no!

MYRRHINE

By Aphrodite, I'll do it anyway.

CINESIAS

Lord Zeus, may she soon use up all the myrrh.

MYRRHINE

Stretch out your hand. Take it and rub it in.

CINESIAS

Hmm, it's not as fragrant as might be; that is, Not before it's smeared. It doesn't smell of kisses.

MYRRHINE

How silly I am: I've brought you Rhodian scents.

CINESIAS

It's good enough, leave it, love.

MYRRHINE

You must be jesting.

CINESIAS

Plague rack the man who first compounded scent!

MYRRHINE

Here, take this flask.

CINESIAS

I've a far better one. Don't tease me, come here, and get nothing more.

MYRRHINE

I'm coming.... I'm just drawing off my shoes.... You're sure you will vote for Peace?

CINESIAS

I'll think about it. She runs off. I'm dead: the woman's worn me all away. She's gone and left me with an anguished pulse.

MEN

Baulked in your amorous delight How melancholy is your plight. With sympathy your case I view; For I am sure it's hard on you. What human being could sustain This unforeseen domestic strain, And not a single trace Of willing women in the place!

CINESIAS

O Zeus, what throbbing suffering!

MEN

She did it all, the harlot, she With her atrocious harlotry.

WOMEN

Nay, rather call her darling-sweet.

MEN

What, sweet? She's a rude, wicked thing.

CINESIAS

A wicked thing, as I repeat. O Zeus, O Zeus, Canst Thou not suddenly let loose Some twirling hurricane to tear Her flapping up along the air And drop her, when she's whirled around, Here to the ground Neatly impaled upon the stake That's ready upright for her sake. He goes out.

Enter SPARTAN HERALD.

The MAGISTRATE comes forward.

HERALD

What here gabs the Senate an' the Prytanes? I've fetcht despatches for them.

MAGISTRATE

Are you a man Or a monstrosity?

HERALD

My scrimp-brained lad, I'm a herald, as ye see, who hae come frae Sparta Anent a Peace.

MAGISTRATE

Then why do you hide that lance That sticks out under your arms?

HERALD.

I've brought no lance.

MAGISTRATE

Then why do you turn aside and hold your cloak So far out from your body? Is your groin swollen With stress of travelling?

HERALD

By Castor, I'll swear The man is wud.

MAGISTRATE

Indeed, your cloak is wide, My rascal fellow.

HERALD

But I tell ye No! Enow o' fleering!

MAGISTRATE

Well, what is it then?

HERALD

It's my despatch cane.

MAGISTRATE

Of course—a Spartan cane! But speak right out. I know all this too well. Are new privations springing up in Sparta?

HERALD

Och, hard as could be: in lofty lusty columns Our allies stand united. We maun get Pellene.

MAGISTRATE

Whence has this evil come? Is it from Pan?

HERALD

No. Lampito first ran asklent, then the others Sprinted after her example, and blocked, the hizzies, Their wames unskaithed against our every fleech.

MAGISTRATE

What did you do?

HERALD

We are broken, and bent double, Limp like men carrying lanthorns in great winds About the city. They winna let us even Wi' lightest neif skim their primsie pretties Till we've concluded Peace-terms wi' a' Hellas.

MAGISTRATE

So the conspiracy is universal; This proves it. Then return to Sparta. Bid them Send envoys with full powers to treat of Peace; And I will urge the Senate here to choose Plenipotentiary ambassadors, As argument adducing this connection.

HERALD

I'm off. Your wisdom none could contravert. They retire.

MEN

There is no beast, no rush of fire, like woman so untamed. She calmly goes her way where even panthers would be shamed.

WOMEN

And yet you are fool enough, it seems, to dare to war with me, When for your faithful ally you might win me easily.

MEN

Never could the hate I feel for womankind grow less.

WOMEN

Then have your will. But I'll take pity on your nakedness. For I can see just how ridiculous you look, and so Will help you with your tunic if close up I now may go.

MEN

Well, that, by Zeus, is no scoundrel-deed, I frankly will admit. I only took them off myself in a scoundrel raging-fit.

WOMEN

Now you look sensible, and that you're men no one could doubt. If you were but good friends again, I'd take the insect out That hurts your eye.

MEN

Is that what's wrong? That nasty bitie thing. Please squeeze it out, and show me what it is that makes this sting. It's been paining me a long while now.

WOMEN

Well I'll agree to that, Although you're most unmannerly. O what a giant gnat. Here, look! It comes from marshy Tricorysus, I can tell.

MEN

O thank you. It was digging out a veritable well. Now that it's gone, I can't hold back my tears. See how they fall.

WOMEN

I'll wipe them off, bad as you are, and kiss you after all.

MEN

I won't be kissed.

WOMEN

O yes, you will. Your wishes do not matter.

MEN

O botheration take you all! How you cajole and flatter. A hell it is to live with you; to live without, a hell: How truly was that said. But come, these enmities let's quell. You stop from giving orders and I'll stop from doing wrong. So let's join ranks and seal our bargain with a choric song.

CHORUS.

Athenians, it's not our intention To sow political dissension By giving any scandal mention; But on the contrary to promote good feeling in the state By word and deed. We've had enough calamities of late. So let a man or woman but divulge They need a trifle, say, Two minas, three or four, I've purses here that bulge. There's only one condition made (Indulge my whim in this I pray)— When Peace is signed once more, On no account am I to be repaid.

And I'm making preparation For a gay select collation With some youths of reputation. I've managed to produce some soup and they're slaughtering for me A sucking-pig: its flesh should taste as tender as could be. I shall expect you at my house today. To the baths make an early visit, And bring your children along; Don't dawdle on the way. Ask no one; enter as if the place Was all your own—yours henceforth is it. If nothing chances wrong, The door will then be shut bang in your face.

The SPARTAN AMBASSADORS approach.

CHORUS

Here come the Spartan envoys with long, worried beards. Hail, Spartans how do you fare? Did anything new arise?

SPARTANS

No need for a clutter o' words. Do ye see our condition?

CHORUS

The situation swells to greater tension. Something will explode soon.

SPARTANS

It's awfu' truly. But come, let us wi' the best speed we may Scribble a Peace.

CHORUS

I notice that our men Like wrestlers poised for contest, hold their clothes Out from their bellies. An athlete's malady! Since exercise alone can bring relief.

ATHENIANS

Can anyone tell us where Lysistrata is? There is no need to describe our men's condition, It shows up plainly enough.

CHORUS

It's the same disease. Do you feel a jerking throbbing in the morning?

ATHENIANS

By Zeus, yes! In these straits, I'm racked all through. Unless Peace is soon declared, we shall be driven In the void of women to try Cleisthenes.

CHORUS

Be wise and cover those things with your tunics. Who knows what kind of person may perceive you?

ATHENIANS

By Zeus, you're right.

SPARTANS

By the Twa Goddesses, Indeed ye are. Let's put our tunics on.

ATHENIANS

Hail O my fellow-sufferers, hail Spartans.

SPARTANS

O hinnie darling, what a waefu' thing! If they had seen us wi' our lunging waddies!

ATHENIANS

Tell us then, Spartans, what has brought you here?

SPARTANS

We come to treat o' Peace.

ATHENIANS

Well spoken there! And we the same. Let us callout Lysistrata Since she alone can settle the Peace-terms.

SPARTANS

Callout Lysistratus too if ye don't mind.

CHORUS

No indeed. She hears your voices and she comes.

Enter LYSISTRATA

Hail, Wonder of all women! Now you must be in turn Hard, shifting, clear, deceitful, noble, crafty, sweet, and stern. The foremost men of Hellas, smitten by your fascination, Have brought their tangled quarrels here for your sole arbitration.

LYSISTRATA

An easy task if the love's raging home-sickness Doesn't start trying out how well each other Will serve instead of us. But I'll know at once If they do. O where's that girl, Reconciliation? Bring first before me the Spartan delegates, And see you lift no rude or violent hands— None of the churlish ways our husbands used. But lead them courteously, as women should. And if they grudge fingers, guide them by other methods, And introduce them with ready tact. The Athenians Draw by whatever offers you a grip. Now, Spartans, stay here facing me. Here you, Athenians. Both hearken to my words. I am a woman, but I'm not a fool. And what of natural intelligence I own Has been filled out with the remembered precepts My father and the city-elders taught me. First I reproach you both sides equally That when at Pylae and Olympia, At Pytho and the many other shrines That I could name, you sprinkle from one cup The altars common to all Hellenes, yet You wrack Hellenic cities, bloody Hellas With deaths of her own sons, while yonder clangs The gathering menace of barbarians.

ATHENIANS

We cannot hold it in much longer now.

LYSISTRATA

Now unto you, O Spartans, do I speak. Do you forget how your own countryman, Pericleidas, once came hither suppliant Before our altars, pale in his purple robes, Praying for an army when in Messenia Danger growled, and the Sea-god made earth quaver. Then with four thousand hoplites Cimon marched And saved all Sparta. Yet base ingrates now, You are ravaging the soil of your preservers.

ATHENIANS

By Zeus, they do great wrong, Lysistrata.

SPARTANS

Great wrong, indeed. O! What a luscious wench!

LYSISTRATA

And now I turn to the Athenians. Have you forgotten too how once the Spartans In days when you wore slavish tunics, came And with their spears broke a Thessalian host And all the partisans of Hippias? They alone stood by your shoulder on that day. They freed you, so that for the slave's short skirt You should wear the trailing cloak of liberty.

SPARTANS

I've never seen a nobler woman anywhere.

ATHENIANS

Nor I one with such prettily jointing hips.

LYSISTRATA

Now, brethren twined with mutual benefactions, Can you still war, can you suffer such disgrace? Why not be friends? What is there to prevent you?

SPARTANS

We're agreed, gin that we get this tempting Mole.

LYSISTRATA

Which one?

SPARTANS

That ane we've wanted to get into, O for sae lang.... Pylos, of course.

ATHENIANS

By Poseidon, Never!

LYSISTRATA

Give it up.

ATHENIANS

Then what will we do? We need that ticklish place united to us—

LYSISTRATA

Ask for some other lurking-hole in return.

ATHENIANS

Then, ah, we'll choose this snug thing here, Echinus, Shall we call the nestling spot? And this backside haven, These desirable twin promontories, the Maliac, And then of course these Megarean Legs.

SPARTANS

Not that, O surely not that, never that.

LYSISTRATA

Agree! Now what are two legs more or less?

ATHENIANS

I want to strip at once and plough my land.

SPARTANS

And mine I want to fertilize at once.

LYSISTRATA

And so you can, when Peace is once declared. If you mean it, get your allies' heads together And come to some decision.

ATHENIANS

What allies? There's no distinction in our politics: We've risen as one man to this conclusion; Every ally is jumping-mad to drive it home.

SPARTANS

And ours the same, for sure.

ATHENIANS

The Carystians first! I'll bet on that.

LYSISTRATA

I agree with all of you. Now off, and cleanse yourselves for the Acropolis, For we invite you all in to a supper From our commissariat baskets. There at table You will pledge good behaviour and uprightness; Then each man's wife is his to hustle home.

ATHENIANS

Come, as quickly as possible.

SPARTANS

As quick as ye like. Lead on.

ATHENIANS

O Zeus, quick, quick, lead quickly on. They hurry off.

CHORUS.

Broidered stuffs on high I'm heaping, Fashionable cloaks and sweeping Trains, not even gold gawds keeping. Take them all, I pray you, take them all (I do not care) And deck your children—your daughter, if the Basket she's to bear. Come, everyone of you, come in and take Of this rich hoard a share. Nought's tied so skilfully But you its seal can break And plunder all you spy inside. I've laid out all that I can spare, And therefore you will see Nothing unless than I you're sharper-eyed. If lacking corn a man should be While his slaves clamour hungrily And his excessive progeny, Then I've a handfull of grain at home which is always to be had, And to which in fact a more-than-life-size loaf I'd gladly add. Then let the poor bring with them bag or sack And take this store of food. Manes, my man, I'll tell To help them all to pack Their wallets full. But O take care. I had forgotten; don't intrude, Or terrified you'll yell. My dog is hungry too, and bites—beware!

Some LOUNGERS from the Market with torches approach the Banqueting hall. The PORTER bars their entrance.

1ST MARKET-LOUNGER

Open the door.

PORTER

Here move along.

1ST MARKET-LOUNGER

What's this? You're sitting down. Shall I singe you with my torch? That's vulgar! O I couldn't do it ... yet If it would gratify the audience, I'll mortify myself.

2ND MARKET-LOUNGER

And I will too. We'll both be crude and vulgar, yes we will.

PORTER

Be off at once now or you'll be wailing Dirges for your hair. Get off at once, And see you don't disturb the Spartan envoys Just coming out from the splendid feast they've had.

The banqueters begin to come out.

1ST ATHENIAN

I've never known such a pleasant banquet before, And what delightful fellows the Spartans are. When we are warm with wine, how wise we grow.

2ND ATHENIAN

That's only fair, since sober we're such fools: This is the advice I'd give the Athenians— See our ambassadors are always drunk. For when we visit Sparta sober, then We're on the alert for trickery all the while So that we miss half of the things they say, And misinterpret things that were never said, And then report the muddle back to Athens. But now we're charmed with each other. They might cap With the Telamon-catch instead of the Cleitagora, And we'd applaud and praise them just the same; We're not too scrupulous in weighing words.

PORTER

Why, here the rascals come again to plague me. Won't you move on, you sorry loafers there!

MARKET-LOUNGER

Yes, by Zeus, they're already coming out.

SPARTANS

Now hinnie dearest, please tak' up your pipe That I may try a spring an' sing my best In honour o' the Athenians an' oursels.

ATHENIANS

Aye, take your pipe. By all the gods, there's nothing Could glad my heart more than to watch you dance.

SPARTANS.

Mnemosyne, Let thy fire storm these younkers, O tongue wi' stormy ecstasy My Muse that knows Our deeds and theirs, how when at sea Their navies swooped upon The Medes at Artemision— Gods for their courage, did they strike Wrenching a triumph frae their foes; While at Thermopylae Leonidas' army stood: wild-boars they were like Wild-boars that wi' fierce threat Their terrible tusks whet; The sweat ran streaming down each twisted face, Faen blossoming i' strange petals o' death Panted frae mortal breath, The sweat drenched a' their bodies i' that place, For the hurly-burly o' Persians glittered more Than the sands on the shore.