Part 16

Except in shape of envoys, who were sent To lodge there when a war broke out, according To the true law of nations, which ne’er meant Those scoundrels, who have never had a sword in Their dirty diplomatic hands, to vent Their spleen in making strife, and safely wording Their lies, yclep’d despatches, without risk or The singeing of a single inky whisker.

He had fifty daughters and four dozen sons, Of whom all such as came of age were stow’d, The former in a palace, where like nuns They lived till some Bashaw was sent abroad, When she, whose turn it was, was wed at once, Sometimes at six years old—though it seems odd, ’Tis true; the reason is, that the Bashaw Must make a present to his sire in law.

His sons were kept in prison, till they grew Of years to fill a bowstring or the throne, One or the other, but which of the two Could yet be known unto the fates alone; Meantime the education they went through Was princely, as the proofs have always shown: So that the heir apparent still was found No less deserving to be hang’d than crown’d.

His majesty saluted his fourth spouse With all the ceremonies of his rank, Who clear’d her sparkling eyes and smooth’d her brows, As suits a matron who has play’d a prank; These must seem doubly mindful of their vows, To save the credit of their breaking bank: To no men are such cordial greetings given As those whose wives have made them fit for heaven.

His Highness cast around his great black eyes, And looking, as he always look’d, perceived Juan amongst the damsels in disguise, At which he seem’d no whit surprised nor grieved, But just remark’d with air sedate and wise, While still a fluttering sigh Gulbeyaz heaved, ‘I see you’ve bought another girl; ’tis pity That a mere Christian should be half so pretty.’

This compliment, which drew all eyes upon The new-bought virgin, made her blush and shake. Her comrades, also, thought themselves undone: O! Mahomet! that his majesty should take Such notice of a giaour, while scarce to one Of them his lips imperial ever spake! There was a general whisper, toss, and wriggle, But etiquette forbade them all to giggle.

The Turks do well to shut—at least, sometimes— The women up, because, in sad reality, Their chastity in these unhappy climes Is not a thing of that astringent quality Which in the North prevents precocious crimes, And makes our snow less pure than our morality; The sun, which yearly melts the polar ice, Has quite the contrary effect on vice.

Thus in the East they are extremely strict, And Wedlock and a Padlock mean the same; Excepting only when the former ’s pick’d It ne’er can be replaced in proper frame; Spoilt, as a pipe of claret is when prick’d: But then their own Polygamy ’s to blame; Why don’t they knead two virtuous souls for life Into that moral centaur, man and wife?

Thus far our chronicle; and now we pause, Though not for want of matter; but ’tis time According to the ancient epic laws, To slacken sail, and anchor with our rhyme. Let this fifth canto meet with due applause, The sixth shall have a touch of the sublime; Meanwhile, as Homer sometimes sleeps, perhaps You’ll pardon to my muse a few short naps.

CANTO THE SIXTH.

‘There is a tide in the affairs of men Which,—taken at the flood,’—you know the rest, And most of us have found it now and then; At least we think so, though but few have guess’d The moment, till too late to come again. But no doubt every thing is for the best— Of which the surest sign is in the end: When things are at the worst they sometimes mend.

There is a tide in the affairs of women Which, taken at the flood, leads—God knows where: Those navigators must be able seamen Whose charts lay down its current to a hair; Not all the reveries of Jacob Behmen With its strange whirls and eddies can compare: Men with their heads reflect on this and that— But women with their hearts on heaven knows what!

And yet a headlong, headstrong, downright she, Young, beautiful, and daring—who would risk A throne, the world, the universe, to be Beloved in her own way, and rather whisk The stars from out the sky, than not be free As are the billows when the breeze is brisk— Though such a she ’s a devil (if that there be one), Yet she would make full many a Manichean.

Thrones, worlds, et cetera, are so oft upset By commonest ambition, that when passion O’erthrows the same, we readily forget, Or at the least forgive, the loving rash one. If Antony be well remember’d yet, ’Tis not his conquests keep his name in fashion, But Actium, lost for Cleopatra’s eyes, Outbalances all Caesar’s victories.

He died at fifty for a queen of forty; I wish their years had been fifteen and twenty, For then wealth, kingdoms, worlds are but a sport—I Remember when, though I had no great plenty Of worlds to lose, yet still, to pay my court, I Gave what I had—a heart: as the world went, I Gave what was worth a world; for worlds could never Restore me those pure feelings, gone forever.

’Twas the boy’s ‘mite,’ and, like the ‘widow’s,’ may Perhaps be weigh’d hereafter, if not now; But whether such things do or do not weigh, All who have loved, or love, will still allow Life has nought like it. God is love, they say, And Love ’s a god, or was before the brow Of earth was wrinkled by the sins and tears Of—but Chronology best knows the years.

We left our hero and third heroine in A kind of state more awkward than uncommon, For gentlemen must sometimes risk their skin For that sad tempter, a forbidden woman: Sultans too much abhor this sort of sin, And don’t agree at all with the wise Roman, Heroic, stoic Cato, the sententious, Who lent his lady to his friend Hortensius.

I know Gulbeyaz was extremely wrong; I own it, I deplore it, I condemn it; But I detest all fiction even in song, And so must tell the truth, howe’er you blame it. Her reason being weak, her passions strong, She thought that her lord’s heart (even could she claim it) Was scarce enough; for he had fifty-nine Years, and a fifteen-hundredth concubine.

I am not, like Cassio, ‘an arithmetician,’ But by ‘the bookish theoric’ it appears, If ’tis summ’d up with feminine precision, That, adding to the account his Highness’ years, The fair Sultana err’d from inanition; For, were the Sultan just to all his dears, She could but claim the fifteen-hundredth part Of what should be monopoly—the heart.

It is observed that ladies are litigious Upon all legal objects of possession, And not the least so when they are religious, Which doubles what they think of the transgression: With suits and prosecutions they besiege us, As the tribunals show through many a session, When they suspect that any one goes shares In that to which the law makes them sole heirs.

Now, if this holds good in a Christian land, The heathen also, though with lesser latitude, Are apt to carry things with a high hand, And take what kings call ‘an imposing attitude,’ And for their rights connubial make a stand, When their liege husbands treat them with ingratitude: And as four wives must have quadruple claims, The Tigris hath its jealousies like Thames.

Gulbeyaz was the fourth, and (as I said) The favourite; but what ’s favour amongst four? Polygamy may well be held in dread, Not only as a sin, but as a bore: Most wise men, with one moderate woman wed, Will scarcely find philosophy for more; And all (except Mahometans) forbear To make the nuptial couch a ‘Bed of Ware.’

His Highness, the sublimest of mankind,— So styled according to the usual forms Of every monarch, till they are consign’d To those sad hungry jacobins the worms, Who on the very loftiest kings have dined,— His Highness gazed upon Gulbeyaz’ charms, Expecting all the welcome of a lover (A ‘Highland welcome’ all the wide world over).

Now here we should distinguish; for howe’er Kisses, sweet words, embraces, and all that, May look like what is—neither here nor there, They are put on as easily as a hat, Or rather bonnet, which the fair sex wear, Trimm’d either heads or hearts to decorate, Which form an ornament, but no more part Of heads, than their caresses of the heart.

A slight blush, a soft tremor, a calm kind Of gentle feminine delight, and shown More in the eyelids than the eyes, resign’d Rather to hide what pleases most unknown, Are the best tokens (to a modest mind) Of love, when seated on his loveliest throne, A sincere woman’s breast,—for over-warm Or over-cold annihilates the charm.

For over-warmth, if false, is worse than truth; If true, ’tis no great lease of its own fire; For no one, save in very early youth, Would like (I think) to trust all to desire, Which is but a precarious bond, in sooth, And apt to be transferr’d to the first buyer At a sad discount: while your over chilly Women, on t’ other hand, seem somewhat silly.

That is, we cannot pardon their bad taste, For so it seems to lovers swift or slow, Who fain would have a mutual flame confess’d, And see a sentimental passion glow, Even were St. Francis’ paramour their guest, In his monastic concubine of snow;— In short, the maxim for the amorous tribe is Horatian, ‘Medio tu tutissimus ibis.’

The ‘tu’ ’s too much,—but let it stand,—the verse Requires it, that ’s to say, the English rhyme, And not the pink of old hexameters; But, after all, there’s neither tune nor time In the last line, which cannot well be worse, And was thrust in to close the octave’s chime: I own no prosody can ever rate it As a rule, but truth may, if you translate it.

If fair Gulbeyaz overdid her part, I know not—it succeeded, and success Is much in most things, not less in the heart Than other articles of female dress. Self-love in man, too, beats all female art; They lie, we lie, all lie, but love no less; And no one virtue yet, except starvation, Could stop that worst of vices—propagation.

We leave this royal couple to repose: A bed is not a throne, and they may sleep, Whate’er their dreams be, if of joys or woes: Yet disappointed joys are woes as deep As any man’s day mixture undergoes. Our least of sorrows are such as we weep; ’Tis the vile daily drop on drop which wears The soul out (like the stone) with petty cares.

A scolding wife, a sullen son, a bill To pay, unpaid, protested, or discounted At a per-centage; a child cross, dog ill, A favourite horse fallen lame just as he ’s mounted, A bad old woman making a worse will, Which leaves you minus of the cash you counted As certain;—these are paltry things, and yet I’ve rarely seen the man they did not fret.

I’m a philosopher; confound them all! Bills, beasts, and men, and—no! not womankind! With one good hearty curse I vent my gall, And then my stoicism leaves nought behind Which it can either pain or evil call, And I can give my whole soul up to mind; Though what is soul or mind, their birth or growth, Is more than I know—the deuce take them both!

So now all things are d—n’d, one feels at ease, As after reading Athanasius’ curse, Which doth your true believer so much please: I doubt if any now could make it worse O’er his worst enemy when at his knees, ’Tis so sententious, positive, and terse, And decorates the book of Common Prayer, As doth a rainbow the just clearing air.

Gulbeyaz and her lord were sleeping, or At least one of them!—Oh, the heavy night, When wicked wives, who love some bachelor, Lie down in dudgeon to sigh for the light Of the gray morning, and look vainly for Its twinkle through the lattice dusky quite— To toss, to tumble, doze, revive, and quake Lest their too lawful bed-fellow should wake!

These are beneath the canopy of heaven, Also beneath the canopy of beds Four-posted and silk curtain’d, which are given For rich men and their brides to lay their heads Upon, in sheets white as what bards call ‘driven Snow.’ Well! ’tis all hap-hazard when one weds. Gulbeyaz was an empress, but had been Perhaps as wretched if a peasant’s quean.

Don Juan in his feminine disguise, With all the damsels in their long array, Had bow’d themselves before th’ imperial eyes, And at the usual signal ta’en their way Back to their chambers, those long galleries In the seraglio, where the ladies lay Their delicate limbs; a thousand bosoms there Beating for love, as the caged bird’s for air.

I love the sex, and sometimes would reverse The tyrant’s wish, ‘that mankind only had One neck, which he with one fell stroke might pierce:’ My wish is quite as wide, but not so bad, And much more tender on the whole than fierce; It being (not now, but only while a lad) That womankind had but one rosy mouth, To kiss them all at once from North to South.

O, enviable Briareus! with thy hands And heads, if thou hadst all things multiplied In such proportion!—But my Muse withstands The giant thought of being a Titan’s bride, Or travelling in Patagonian lands; So let us back to Lilliput, and guide Our hero through the labyrinth of love In which we left him several lines above.

He went forth with the lovely Odalisques, At the given signal join’d to their array; And though he certainly ran many risks, Yet he could not at times keep, by the way (Although the consequences of such frisks Are worse than the worst damages men pay In moral England, where the thing ’s a tax), From ogling all their charms from breasts to backs.

Still he forgot not his disguise:—along The galleries from room to room they walk’d, A virgin-like and edifying throng, By eunuchs flank’d; while at their head there stalk’d A dame who kept up discipline among The female ranks, so that none stirr’d or talk’d Without her sanction on their she-parades: Her title was ‘the Mother of the Maids.’

Whether she was a ‘mother,’ I know not, Or whether they were ‘maids’ who call’d her mother; But this is her seraglio title, got I know not how, but good as any other; So Cantemir can tell you, or De Tott: Her office was to keep aloof or smother All bad propensities in fifteen hundred Young women, and correct them when they blunder’d.

A goodly sinecure, no doubt! but made More easy by the absence of all men— Except his majesty, who, with her aid, And guards, and bolts, and walls, and now and then A slight example, just to cast a shade Along the rest, contrived to keep this den Of beauties cool as an Italian convent, Where all the passions have, alas! but one vent.

And what is that? Devotion, doubtless—how Could you ask such a question?—but we will Continue. As I said, this goodly row Of ladies of all countries at the will Of one good man, with stately march and slow, Like water-lilies floating down a rill— Or rather lake, for rills do not run slowly— Paced on most maiden-like and melancholy.

But when they reach’d their own apartments, there, Like birds, or boys, or bedlamites broke loose, Waves at spring-tide, or women anywhere When freed from bonds (which are of no great use After all), or like Irish at a fair, Their guards being gone, and as it were a truce Establish’d between them and bondage, they Began to sing, dance, chatter, smile, and play.

Their talk, of course, ran most on the new comer; Her shape, her hair, her air, her everything: Some thought her dress did not so much become her, Or wonder’d at her ears without a ring; Some said her years were getting nigh their summer, Others contended they were but in spring; Some thought her rather masculine in height, While others wish’d that she had been so quite.

But no one doubted on the whole, that she Was what her dress bespoke, a damsel fair, And fresh, and ‘beautiful exceedingly,’ Who with the brightest Georgians might compare: They wonder’d how Gulbeyaz, too, could be So silly as to buy slaves who might share (If that his Highness wearied of his bride) Her throne and power, and every thing beside.

But what was strangest in this virgin crew, Although her beauty was enough to vex, After the first investigating view, They all found out as few, or fewer, specks In the fair form of their companion new, Than is the custom of the gentle sex, When they survey, with Christian eyes or Heathen, In a new face ‘the ugliest creature breathing.’

And yet they had their little jealousies, Like all the rest; but upon this occasion, Whether there are such things as sympathies Without our knowledge or our approbation, Although they could not see through his disguise, All felt a soft kind of concatenation, Like magnetism, or devilism, or what You please—we will not quarrel about that:

But certain ’tis they all felt for their new Companion something newer still, as ’twere A sentimental friendship through and through, Extremely pure, which made them all concur In wishing her their sister, save a few Who wish’d they had a brother just like her, Whom, if they were at home in sweet Circassia, They would prefer to Padisha or Pacha.

Of those who had most genius for this sort Of sentimental friendship, there were three, Lolah, Katinka, and Dudu; in short (To save description), fair as fair can be Were they, according to the best report, Though differing in stature and degree, And clime and time, and country and complexion; They all alike admired their new connection.

Lolah was dusk as India and as warm; Katinka was a Georgian, white and red, With great blue eyes, a lovely hand and arm, And feet so small they scarce seem’d made to tread, But rather skim the earth; while Dudu’s form Look’d more adapted to be put to bed, Being somewhat large, and languishing, and lazy, Yet of a beauty that would drive you crazy.

A kind of sleepy Venus seem’d Dudu, Yet very fit to ‘murder sleep’ in those Who gazed upon her cheek’s transcendent hue, Her Attic forehead, and her Phidian nose: Few angles were there in her form, ’tis true, Thinner she might have been, and yet scarce lose; Yet, after all, ’twould puzzle to say where It would not spoil some separate charm to pare.

She was not violently lively, but Stole on your spirit like a May-day breaking; Her eyes were not too sparkling, yet, half-shut, They put beholders in a tender taking; She look’d (this simile ’s quite new) just cut From marble, like Pygmalion’s statue waking, The mortal and the marble still at strife, And timidly expanding into life.

Lolah demanded the new damsel’s name— ‘Juanna.’—Well, a pretty name enough. Katinka ask’d her also whence she came— ‘From Spain.’—‘But where is Spain?’—‘Don’t ask such stuff, Nor show your Georgian ignorance—for shame!’ Said Lolah, with an accent rather rough, To poor Katinka: ‘Spain ’s an island near Morocco, betwixt Egypt and Tangier.’

Dudu said nothing, but sat down beside Juanna, playing with her veil or hair; And looking at her steadfastly, she sigh’d, As if she pitied her for being there, A pretty stranger without friend or guide, And all abash’d, too, at the general stare Which welcomes hapless strangers in all places, With kind remarks upon their mien and faces.

But here the Mother of the Maids drew near, With, ‘Ladies, it is time to go to rest. I’m puzzled what to do with you, my dear,’ She added to Juanna, their new guest: ‘Your coming has been unexpected here, And every couch is occupied; you had best Partake of mine; but by to-morrow early We will have all things settled for you fairly.’

Here Lolah interposed—‘Mamma, you know You don’t sleep soundly, and I cannot bear That anybody should disturb you so; I’ll take Juanna; we’re a slenderer pair Than you would make the half of;—don’t say no; And I of your young charge will take due care.’ But here Katinka interfered, and said, ‘She also had compassion and a bed.

‘Besides, I hate to sleep alone,’ quoth she. The matron frown’d: ‘Why so?’—‘For fear of ghosts,’ Replied Katinka; ‘I am sure I see A phantom upon each of the four posts; And then I have the worst dreams that can be, Of Guebres, Giaours, and Ginns, and Gouls in hosts.’ The dame replied, ‘Between your dreams and you, I fear Juanna’s dreams would be but few.