Part 26

Don Juan was presented, and his dress And mien excited general admiration— I don’t know which was more admired or less: One monstrous diamond drew much observation, Which Catherine in a moment of ‘ivresse’ (In love or brandy’s fervent fermentation) Bestow’d upon him, as the public learn’d; And, to say truth, it had been fairly earn’d.

Besides the ministers and underlings, Who must be courteous to the accredited Diplomatists of rather wavering kings, Until their royal riddle ’s fully read, The very clerks,—those somewhat dirty springs Of office, or the house of office, fed By foul corruption into streams,—even they Were hardly rude enough to earn their pay:

And insolence no doubt is what they are Employ’d for, since it is their daily labour, In the dear offices of peace or war; And should you doubt, pray ask of your next neighbour, When for a passport, or some other bar To freedom, he applied (a grief and a bore), If he found not his spawn of taxborn riches, Like lap-dogs, the least civil sons of b—s.

But Juan was received with much ‘empressement:’— These phrases of refinement I must borrow From our next neighbours’ land, where, like a chessman, There is a move set down for joy or sorrow Not only in mere talking, but the press. Man In islands is, it seems, downright and thorough, More than on continents—as if the sea (See Billingsgate) made even the tongue more free.

And yet the British ‘Damme’ ’s rather Attic: Your continental oaths are but incontinent, And turn on things which no aristocratic Spirit would name, and therefore even I won’t anent This subject quote; as it would be schismatic In politesse, and have a sound affronting in ’t:— But ‘Damme’ ’s quite ethereal, though too daring— Platonic blasphemy, the soul of swearing.

For downright rudeness, ye may stay at home; For true or false politeness (and scarce that Now) you may cross the blue deep and white foam— The first the emblem (rarely though) of what You leave behind, the next of much you come To meet. However, ’tis no time to chat On general topics: poems must confine Themselves to unity, like this of mine.

In the great world,—which, being interpreted, Meaneth the west or worst end of a city, And about twice two thousand people bred By no means to be very wise or witty, But to sit up while others lie in bed, And look down on the universe with pity,— Juan, as an inveterate patrician, Was well received by persons of condition.

He was a bachelor, which is a matter Of import both to virgin and to bride, The former’s hymeneal hopes to flatter; And (should she not hold fast by love or pride) ’Tis also of some moment to the latter: A rib ’s a thorn in a wed gallant’s side, Requires decorum, and is apt to double The horrid sin—and what ’s still worse, the trouble.

But Juan was a bachelor—of arts, And parts, and hearts: he danced and sung, and had An air as sentimental as Mozart’s Softest of melodies; and could be sad Or cheerful, without any ‘flaws or starts,’ Just at the proper time; and though a lad, Had seen the world—which is a curious sight, And very much unlike what people write.

Fair virgins blush’d upon him; wedded dames Bloom’d also in less transitory hues; For both commodities dwell by the Thames, The painting and the painted; youth, ceruse, Against his heart preferr’d their usual claims, Such as no gentleman can quite refuse: Daughters admired his dress, and pious mothers Inquired his income, and if he had brothers.

The milliners who furnish ‘drapery Misses’ Throughout the season, upon speculation Of payment ere the honey-moon’s last kisses Have waned into a crescent’s coruscation, Thought such an opportunity as this is, Of a rich foreigner’s initiation, Not to be overlook’d—and gave such credit, That future bridegrooms swore, and sigh’d, and paid it.

The Blues, that tender tribe who sigh o’er sonnets, And with the pages of the last Review Line the interior of their heads or bonnets, Advanced in all their azure’s highest hue: They talk’d bad French or Spanish, and upon its Late authors ask’d him for a hint or two; And which was softest, Russian or Castilian? And whether in his travels he saw Ilion?

Juan, who was a little superficial, And not in literature a great Drawcansir, Examined by this learned and especial Jury of matrons, scarce knew what to answer: His duties warlike, loving or official, His steady application as a dancer, Had kept him from the brink of Hippocrene, Which now he found was blue instead of green.

However, he replied at hazard, with A modest confidence and calm assurance, Which lent his learned lucubrations pith, And pass’d for arguments of good endurance. That prodigy, Miss Araminta Smith (Who at sixteen translated ‘Hercules Furens’ Into as furious English), with her best look, Set down his sayings in her common-place book.

Juan knew several languages—as well He might—and brought them up with skill, in time To save his fame with each accomplish’d belle, Who still regretted that he did not rhyme. There wanted but this requisite to swell His qualities (with them) into sublime: Lady Fitz-Frisky, and Miss Maevia Mannish, Both long’d extremely to be sung in Spanish.

However, he did pretty well, and was Admitted as an aspirant to all The coteries, and, as in Banquo’s glass, At great assemblies or in parties small, He saw ten thousand living authors pass, That being about their average numeral; Also the eighty ‘greatest living poets,’ As every paltry magazine can show its.

In twice five years the ‘greatest living poet,’ Like to the champion in the fisty ring, Is call’d on to support his claim, or show it, Although ’tis an imaginary thing. Even I—albeit I’m sure I did not know it, Nor sought of foolscap subjects to be king— Was reckon’d a considerable time, The grand Napoleon of the realms of rhyme.

But Juan was my Moscow, and Faliero My Leipsic, and my Mount Saint Jean seems Cain: ‘La Belle Alliance’ of dunces down at zero, Now that the Lion ’s fall’n, may rise again: But I will fall at least as fell my hero; Nor reign at all, or as a monarch reign; Or to some lonely isle of gaolers go, With turncoat Southey for my turnkey Lowe.

Sir Walter reign’d before me; Moore and Campbell Before and after; but now grown more holy, The Muses upon Sion’s hill must ramble With poets almost clergymen, or wholly; And Pegasus hath a psalmodic amble Beneath the very Reverend Rowley Powley, Who shoes the glorious animal with stilts, A modern Ancient Pistol—by the hilts?

Then there’s my gentle Euphues, who, they say, Sets up for being a sort of moral me; He’ll find it rather difficult some day To turn out both, or either, it may be. Some persons think that Coleridge hath the sway; And Wordsworth has supporters, two or three; And that deep-mouth’d Boeotian ‘Savage Landor’ Has taken for a swan rogue Southey’s gander.

John Keats, who was kill’d off by one critique, Just as he really promised something great, If not intelligible, without Greek Contrived to talk about the gods of late, Much as they might have been supposed to speak. Poor fellow! His was an untoward fate; ’Tis strange the mind, that very fiery particle, Should let itself be snuff’d out by an article.

The list grows long of live and dead pretenders To that which none will gain—or none will know The conqueror at least; who, ere Time renders His last award, will have the long grass grow Above his burnt-out brain, and sapless cinders. If I might augur, I should rate but low Their chances; they’re too numerous, like the thirty Mock tyrants, when Rome’s annals wax’d but dirty.

This is the literary lower empire, Where the praetorian bands take up the matter;— A ‘dreadful trade,’ like his who ‘gathers samphire,’ The insolent soldiery to soothe and flatter, With the same feelings as you’d coax a vampire. Now, were I once at home, and in good satire, I’d try conclusions with those Janizaries, And show them what an intellectual war is.

I think I know a trick or two, would turn Their flanks;—but it is hardly worth my while With such small gear to give myself concern: Indeed I’ve not the necessary bile; My natural temper ’s really aught but stern, And even my Muse’s worst reproof ’s a smile; And then she drops a brief and modern curtsy, And glides away, assured she never hurts ye.

My Juan, whom I left in deadly peril Amongst live poets and blue ladies, past With some small profit through that field so sterile, Being tired in time, and, neither least nor last, Left it before he had been treated very ill; And henceforth found himself more gaily class’d Amongst the higher spirits of the day, The sun’s true son, no vapour, but a ray.

His morns he pass’d in business—which, dissected, Was like all business a laborious nothing That leads to lassitude, the most infected And Centaur Nessus garb of mortal clothing, And on our sofas makes us lie dejected, And talk in tender horrors of our loathing All kinds of toil, save for our country’s good— Which grows no better, though ’tis time it should.

His afternoons he pass’d in visits, luncheons, Lounging and boxing; and the twilight hour In riding round those vegetable puncheons Call’d ‘Parks,’ where there is neither fruit nor flower Enough to gratify a bee’s slight munchings; But after all it is the only ‘bower’ (In Moore’s phrase), where the fashionable fair Can form a slight acquaintance with fresh air.

Then dress, then dinner, then awakes the world! Then glare the lamps, then whirl the wheels, then roar Through street and square fast flashing chariots hurl’d Like harness’d meteors; then along the floor Chalk mimics painting; then festoons are twirl’d; Then roll the brazen thunders of the door, Which opens to the thousand happy few An earthly paradise of ‘Or Molu.’

There stands the noble hostess, nor shall sink With the three-thousandth curtsy; there the waltz, The only dance which teaches girls to think, Makes one in love even with its very faults. Saloon, room, hall, o’erflow beyond their brink, And long the latest of arrivals halts, ’Midst royal dukes and dames condemn’d to climb, And gain an inch of staircase at a time.

Thrice happy he who, after a survey Of the good company, can win a corner, A door that’s in or boudoir out of the way, Where he may fix himself like small ‘Jack Horner,’ And let the Babel round run as it may, And look on as a mourner, or a scorner, Or an approver, or a mere spectator, Yawning a little as the night grows later.

But this won’t do, save by and by; and he Who, like Don Juan, takes an active share, Must steer with care through all that glittering sea Of gems and plumes and pearls and silks, to where He deems it is his proper place to be; Dissolving in the waltz to some soft air, Or proudlier prancing with mercurial skill Where Science marshals forth her own quadrille.

Or, if he dance not, but hath higher views Upon an heiress or his neighbour’s bride, Let him take care that that which he pursues Is not at once too palpably descried. Full many an eager gentleman oft rues His haste: impatience is a blundering guide, Amongst a people famous for reflection, Who like to play the fool with circumspection.

But, if you can contrive, get next at supper; Or, if forestalled, get opposite and ogle:— O, ye ambrosial moments! always upper In mind, a sort of sentimental bogle, Which sits for ever upon memory’s crupper, The ghost of vanish’d pleasures once in vogue! Ill Can tender souls relate the rise and fall Of hopes and fears which shake a single ball.

But these precautionary hints can touch Only the common run, who must pursue, And watch, and ward; whose plans a word too much Or little overturns; and not the few Or many (for the number’s sometimes such) Whom a good mien, especially if new, Or fame, or name, for wit, war, sense, or nonsense, Permits whate’er they please, or did not long since.

Our hero, as a hero, young and handsome, Noble, rich, celebrated, and a stranger, Like other slaves of course must pay his ransom, Before he can escape from so much danger As will environ a conspicuous man. Some Talk about poetry, and ‘rack and manger,’ And ugliness, disease, as toil and trouble;— I wish they knew the life of a young noble.

They are young, but know not youth—it is anticipated; Handsome but wasted, rich without a sou; Their vigour in a thousand arms is dissipated; Their cash comes from, their wealth goes to a Jew; Both senates see their nightly votes participated Between the tyrant’s and the tribunes’ crew; And having voted, dined, drunk, gamed, and whored, The family vault receives another lord.

‘Where is the world?’ cries Young, at eighty—‘Where The world in which a man was born? ‘Alas! Where is the world of eight years past? ’Twas there— I look for it—’tis gone, a globe of glass! Crack’d, shiver’d, vanish’d, scarcely gazed on, ere A silent change dissolves the glittering mass. Statesmen, chiefs, orators, queens, patriots, kings, And dandies, all are gone on the wind’s wings.

Where is Napoleon the Grand? God knows. Where little Castlereagh? The devil can tell: Where Grattan, Curran, Sheridan, all those Who bound the bar or senate in their spell? Where is the unhappy Queen, with all her woes? And where the Daughter, whom the Isles loved well? Where are those martyr’d saints the Five per Cents? And where—oh, where the devil are the rents?

Where’s Brummel? Dish’d. Where’s Long Pole Wellesley? Diddled. Where’s Whitbread? Romilly? Where’s George the Third? Where is his will? (That ’s not so soon unriddled.) And where is ‘Fum’ the Fourth, our ‘royal bird?’ Gone down, it seems, to Scotland to be fiddled Unto by Sawney’s violin, we have heard: ‘Caw me, caw thee’—for six months hath been hatching This scene of royal itch and loyal scratching.

Where is Lord This? And where my Lady That? The Honourable Mistresses and Misses? Some laid aside like an old Opera hat, Married, unmarried, and remarried (this is An evolution oft performed of late). Where are the Dublin shouts—and London hisses? Where are the Grenvilles? Turn’d as usual. Where My friends the Whigs? Exactly where they were.

Where are the Lady Carolines and Franceses? Divorced or doing thereanent. Ye annals So brilliant, where the list of routs and dances is,— Thou Morning Post, sole record of the panels Broken in carriages, and all the phantasies Of fashion,—say what streams now fill those channels? Some die, some fly, some languish on the Continent, Because the times have hardly left them one tenant.

Some who once set their caps at cautious dukes, Have taken up at length with younger brothers: Some heiresses have bit at sharpers’ hooks: Some maids have been made wives, some merely mothers; Others have lost their fresh and fairy looks: In short, the list of alterations bothers. There’s little strange in this, but something strange is The unusual quickness of these common changes.

Talk not of seventy years as age; in seven I have seen more changes, down from monarchs to The humblest individual under heaven, Than might suffice a moderate century through. I knew that nought was lasting, but now even Change grows too changeable, without being new: Nought ’s permanent among the human race, Except the Whigs not getting into place.

I have seen Napoleon, who seem’d quite a Jupiter, Shrink to a Saturn. I have seen a Duke (No matter which) turn politician stupider, If that can well be, than his wooden look. But it is time that I should hoist my ‘blue Peter,’ And sail for a new theme:—I have seen—and shook To see it—the king hiss’d, and then caress’d; But don’t pretend to settle which was best.

I have seen the Landholders without a rap— I have seen Joanna Southcote—I have seen— The House of Commons turn’d to a tax-trap— I have seen that sad affair of the late Queen— I have seen crowns worn instead of a fool’s cap— I have seen a Congress doing all that ’s mean— I have seen some nations like o’erloaded asses Kick off their burthens, meaning the high classes.

I have seen small poets, and great prosers, and Interminable—not eternal—speakers— I have seen the funds at war with house and land— I have seen the country gentlemen turn squeakers— I have seen the people ridden o’er like sand By slaves on horseback—I have seen malt liquors Exchanged for ‘thin potations’ by John Bull— I have seen John half detect himself a fool.—

But ‘carpe diem,’ Juan, ‘carpe, carpe!’ To-morrow sees another race as gay And transient, and devour’d by the same harpy. ‘Life ’s a poor player,’—then ‘play out the play, Ye villains!’ above all keep a sharp eye Much less on what you do than what you say: Be hypocritical, be cautious, be Not what you seem, but always what you see.

But how shall I relate in other cantos Of what befell our hero in the land, Which ’tis the common cry and lie to vaunt as A moral country? But I hold my hand— For I disdain to write an Atalantis; But ’tis as well at once to understand, You are not a moral people, and you know it Without the aid of too sincere a poet.

What Juan saw and underwent shall be My topic, with of course the due restriction Which is required by proper courtesy; And recollect the work is only fiction, And that I sing of neither mine nor me, Though every scribe, in some slight turn of diction, Will hint allusions never meant. Ne’er doubt This—when I speak, I don’t hint, but speak out.

Whether he married with the third or fourth Offspring of some sage husband-hunting countess, Or whether with some virgin of more worth (I mean in Fortune’s matrimonial bounties) He took to regularly peopling Earth, Of which your lawful awful wedlock fount is,— Or whether he was taken in for damages, For being too excursive in his homages,—

Is yet within the unread events of time. Thus far, go forth, thou lay, which I will back Against the same given quantity of rhyme, For being as much the subject of attack As ever yet was any work sublime, By those who love to say that white is black. So much the better!—I may stand alone, But would not change my free thoughts for a throne.

CANTO THE TWELFTH.

Of all the barbarous middle ages, that Which is most barbarous is the middle age Of man; it is—I really scarce know what; But when we hover between fool and sage, And don’t know justly what we would be at— A period something like a printed page, Black letter upon foolscap, while our hair Grows grizzled, and we are not what we were;—

Too old for youth,—too young, at thirty-five, To herd with boys, or hoard with good threescore,— I wonder people should be left alive; But since they are, that epoch is a bore: Love lingers still, although ’twere late to wive; And as for other love, the illusion ’s o’er; And money, that most pure imagination, Gleams only through the dawn of its creation.

O Gold! Why call we misers miserable? Theirs is the pleasure that can never pall; Theirs is the best bower anchor, the chain cable Which holds fast other pleasures great and small. Ye who but see the saving man at table, And scorn his temperate board, as none at all, And wonder how the wealthy can be sparing, Know not what visions spring from each cheese-paring.

Love or lust makes man sick, and wine much sicker; Ambition rends, and gaming gains a loss; But making money, slowly first, then quicker, And adding still a little through each cross (Which will come over things), beats love or liquor, The gamester’s counter, or the statesman’s dross. O Gold! I still prefer thee unto paper, Which makes bank credit like a bank of vapour.

Who hold the balance of the world? Who reign O’er congress, whether royalist or liberal? Who rouse the shirtless patriots of Spain? (That make old Europe’s journals squeak and gibber all.) Who keep the world, both old and new, in pain Or pleasure? Who make politics run glibber all? The shade of Buonaparte’s noble daring?— Jew Rothschild, and his fellow-Christian, Baring.

Those, and the truly liberal Lafitte, Are the true lords of Europe. Every loan Is not a merely speculative hit, But seats a nation or upsets a throne. Republics also get involved a bit; Columbia’s stock hath holders not unknown On ’Change; and even thy silver soil, Peru, Must get itself discounted by a Jew.