Part 15

Author (delighted): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"

Lady: "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."

Employer (inspecting a very inflated bill for work): "Look here—how did you get at this amount?"

Odd Jobs Man: "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."

Employer: "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."

Tourist: "Have you any cold meat?"

Waiter: "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."

Lady: "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"

Cook: "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."

Small Boy (on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married): "Oh! (long pause) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"

Master: "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"

Butler: "Well, Sir, I don't want my name to die out."

Artist (in desperation): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."

The Visitor: "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?"

"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"

"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."

"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?"

Old Lady (interrogating her chauffeur's small boy): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"

Small Boy: "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's car."

Parent: "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not always 'fair.'"

Young Hopeful: "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."

Optimist: "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."

Pessimist: "No, but they seem so."

OUR MODERN INFANT

Genial Uncle: "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"

Small Boy: "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."

Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought."

Bride: "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"

Little Girl: "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."

A SUBTLE DISTINCTION

"I say—come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."

"Thanks—but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know."

Specialist (to patient suffering from insomnia): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

Patient: "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."

Neighbor (bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast): "You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax."

Joan (whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves): "Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy."

Lady (to applicant for situation as cook): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"

Cook: "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."

Father: "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday."

Son: "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."

Artist (condescendingly): "I did this last summer. It really isn't much good."

Candid Friend: "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"

BLUE BLOOD

Mrs. Profiteer: "Is this a pedigree dog?"

Dealer: "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."

Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"

Small Girl: "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago."

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."

Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand—"

Employer: "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

Office Boy: "Yes, Sir; but—my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."

Minister's Wife: "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."

Latest Inhabitant: "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."

"Two mistakes here, waiter—one in your favor, one in mine."

"In your favor, Sir? Where?"

Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

Cook: "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."

Gushing Lady: "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

Cynic: "Bigamist!"

Mother: "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

Augustus: "Thank you—I'm only dying."

New Butler: "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

Profiteer: "What time do the best people dine?"

New Butler: "At different times, Sir."

Profiteer: "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

Fond Mamma: "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

Young Hopeful; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

Playful Hostess: "Couldn't you manage one more eclair?"

Serious Little Boy: "No, fanks, I've no more room."

Playful Hostess: "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): "No, fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end."

Vicar's Wife: "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

Ethel: "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

Vicar's Wife: "Oh—and what are you writing in it?"

Ethel: "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

THE OBSTACLE

George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

Fred: "What did she say?"

George: "No!"

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

She: "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

He: "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

She: "Very well, then! Suppose you talk about me for a while."

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

A CHANCE LOST

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said which one."

He: "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

She: "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

DURING THE QUARREL

He: "But if you will allow me to—"

She: "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

CONDITIONAL

Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

Bridegroom: "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling—so long as he doesn't do it when we get back."

JUST IGNORANCE

He (dejectedly): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"

ALL IN ONE BREATH

Wife: "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."

FEMININITY

Julia: "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

GETTING EVEN

Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

Mr. Lynks: "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

A SOOTHING EFFECT

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

IN THAT CASE

She: "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

He: "I guess I have never been really thirsty."

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."

The Count: "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."

The Millionaire: "But I thought you were a bankrupt."

The Count: "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch to you."

"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."

Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

Little Girl: "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."

"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"

He (absently): "Yes, usually."

Urchin (contemptuously): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"

Neighbor: "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

HIS SPHERE

"His versatility is something extraordinary."

"I had an idea he was rather stupid."

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."

Poetic Bridegroom: "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."

Practical Bride: "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."

A LOVERS' QUARREL

George: "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

Kate: "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."

A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY

Elsie: "When is my birthday, Mother?"

Her Mother: "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."

Elsie: "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

GETTING RECKLESS

She: "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."

He: "Aren't you afraid she is too old to know better?"

"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."

RETROACTIVE

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."

Pupil: "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"

Teacher: "No—you're not."

APOLOGIZING

"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"

"Yes! I am."

"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."

DENIED THE PRIVILEGE

The Child: "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"

The Mother: "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."

The Child: "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"

A GOOD PLAN

She: "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"

"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."

ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN

First Voter: "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"

Second Voter: "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."

FAMILIARITY, ETC.

"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"

"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."

REASSURING

She: "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"

He: "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."

HOW IT HAPPENED

"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."

"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."

A LINGUIST

"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."

"In what way?"

"She can keep silence in four different languages."

THE DIFFERENCE

She: "I'm so glad we're engaged."

He: "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"

She: "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."

THE ROAD TO—, ETC.

"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."

"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."

CLASSIFIED

Mrs. Bargain: "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."

Mr. Bargain: "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"

A SOLUTION

The Mistress: "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."

The Maid: "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"

ENCOURAGING

He: "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"

She: "Er—that clock is half an hour fast."

AN ALIAS

Miss Hen: "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"

Lady (to prospective daily housemaid): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."

D. H.: "For luncheon, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."

CHANGING PLACES

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."

"She has evidently reversed the order of things."

"How so?"

"She does the dictating now."

ECONOMY

Young Husband: "I see that sugar has gone down two points."

Young Wife: "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."

Best Man (seeing couple off on honeymoon): "Here you are—just a few magazines to help pass away the time."

Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

John: "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

Mr. Househunter: "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

Mrs. Househunter: "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."

QUALIFIED

The Leading Woman: "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

The Comedian: "He doesn't—he is."

CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE

Chimmie: "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight—me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."

Billie: "Dat ain't nuthin'—me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."

FROM THE HEART

The Wife: "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."

The Husband: "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."

The Reporter: "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

Sledge-hammer Mike: "De solar plexus."

The Reporter: "And er—if you get beaten, what will your—er—weak spot have been?"

AN ARGUMENT

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

THE SECRET

The Man of Theory: "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."

The Man of Practice: "But it has to be a whole lot."

WANTS HER RIGHTS

He: "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."

She: "And there is no holding back her salary, either."

"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"

"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid—not a useful maid."

GETTING BACK

Customer to Palmist: "Five dollars fee? Er—would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"

Betty: "Mummy, does God send us our food?"

Mother: "Yes, dear; of course He does."

Betty: "But what a price!"

DURING VACATION

The Summer Girl: "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."

The Summer Man: "Well—er—could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"

NOT UNIQUE

He: "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."

She: "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."

A NOBLE AIM

She: "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"

"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."

ONCE TOO OFTEN

"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."

"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"

"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."

"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."

CAUSE AND EFFECT

"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."

"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."

"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"

"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."

SYMPATHY

Freddie (aged six): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"

His Mother: "Yes, dear! What of it?"

Freddie: "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."

SLIGHTED

"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."

"Misunderstanding, indeed! If you had any feeling you'd call it a quarrel."

GOING FURTHER

Flora: "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."

Dora: "Getting even with her won't satisfy me. I'm going to get uneven with her."

GETTING ON

Old Gentleman: "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"

Small Boy: "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."

LITERALLY

He: "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."

She: "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."

AN EXTENSIVE LOVE

She: "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."

He: "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."

CAUSE AND EFFECT

"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."

"Sour grapes always did have that effect."

NO DISSENSION

Mrs. Storme: "How is your Debating Society getting along?"

Mrs. Karn: "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."

"Why are they not speaking?"

"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."

"Well!"

"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."

IN KEEPING

"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."

"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."

HE KNEW

She: "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."

He: "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes."

ARRANGED TO FIT

Elsie: "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."