Part 16

Mother: "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."

Elsie: "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."

PROBABLY

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."

SURE SIGNS

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins."

SUCH A WASTE

Mrs. Bizzy: "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

Casey: "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."

TOO ONE-SIDED

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."

DISCRETION

Miss Bizzy: "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."

O'Brien: "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."

BETTER UNSAID

Cholly Lyttlebrayne: "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."

Miss Thotless: "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"

LETTING HIM KNOW

Flora: "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."

Dora: "What did you say in your last letter?"

Flora: "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."

WHY, INDEED

The Husband: "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"

The Wife: "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! I'm ready now'?"

Madge: "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"

Mabel: "Not yet—but I have given him my final 'No.'"

ONLY THEIR WAY

First Lady (effusively): "I am more than charmed to see you, my dear Mrs.—er—um—."

Second Lady (more effusively): "How lovely of you! So am I delighted. I do hope we'll meet again very, VERY soon, my dearest Mrs.—um—er—."

INADVERTENT

Prospective Bride: "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress—a wedding dress costs such a lot."

Dressmaker: "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion."

MAKING SURE

"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."

"I thought he had dozens of your photos."

"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."

MORE DESPERATE STILL

She: "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."

He: "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."

SYMPATHY

The Tabby-Cat: "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"

The Parrot: "Wasn't it too bad of them—to go and break the set?"

POPULAR OPINION

First Burglar: "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"

Second Burglar: "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"

MORE OPPORTUNITY

The Wife: "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."

The Husband: "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."

"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."

"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."

The Ant: "Well, we've struck!"

The Gnat: "What for?"

The Ant: "Longer hours."

Effie: "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

Mr. Mitcham: "How did you do that, my dear?"

Effie: "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT

She: "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"

He: "Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled."

He: "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?"

She: "Which?"

Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): "Ain't you getting tired of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"

Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"

Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago): "And now let us talk of something else!"

Mamma: "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"

Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite): "Oh, yes, Mamma—several people!"

Guest: "Well, good-bye, Old Man!—and you've really got a very nice little place here!"

Host: "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"

She: "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"

He: "But I don't want to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with you!"

"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I—I withdraw my overdraft."

Wife (at upper window): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"

"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."

"Well—you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."

Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): "What's the matter?"

Voice-from below: "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."

Commander: "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing—we want to get on."

Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"

Daughter: "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just now."

JUSTIFICATION

Wife: "Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?"

He: "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"

First Flapper: "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."

Second Flapper: "And what did you do?"

First Flapper: "I just glared back at him—as if I had!"

Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack—anywhere you like."

Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?—and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."

Governess: "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"

Mollie: "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."

Governess: "And what are little boys made of?"

Mollie: "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly believe it."

"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"

"Of course. Why ask?"

"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."

Irate Parent: "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you—"

The Suitor: "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."

Wife: "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa! Who is it speaking?'"

Mrs. Goodheart: "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"

Mr. Hardup: "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."

"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"

"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."

Helen's elder sister: "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."

Helen: "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one—it would be so horrid when it twinkled."

"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"

"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"

"Yus—if she don't get it."

Child: "Mother, I have been good to-day—so patient with Nurse."

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.

"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."

Wife: "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself."

Husband (as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."

Podger (to new acquaintance): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"

Cooler: "I can easily find out by asking her—she is my wife."

Young Husband: "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."

The Bride (smiling triumphantly): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."

Wife (referring to guest): "He's a most attractive man; is he married?"

Husband: "I dunno. He's a reserved chap—keeps all his troubles to himself!"

Questioning a class, an inspector asked:

"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be right?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"And why not?"

"Please, sir, because you wasn't."

Salesman: "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."

Sweet Thing (placidly): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband."

The Stage Manager: "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."

The New Hand: "Wot yer talkin' about—'run up the curtain'—think I'm a bloomin' squirrel?"

Old Gentleman (to new gardener): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"

The Gardener: "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."

"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"

"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."

"But it's pouring! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."

Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."

Cook (acting as lady's-maid): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."

HIS REPUTATION

Waitress: "He ain't no good, Lil—he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it."

NOT UP-TO-DATE

Penelope: "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"

Clarissa: "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day."

"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"

"I believe so. Why?"

"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."

NOT RESTRICTED

"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker."

"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"

John: "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."

Mirandy: "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer sure that the train'll show up—I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git it."

The Wife: "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."

"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."

The Escort: Who's that fellow who seems to know you?

The Lady: Only a second cousin once removed.

The Escort: Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.

Voice (far off): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!

Satiated Camper: All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?

A GREAT ATHLETE

Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.

"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a foot race."

"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?"

"I don't remember," replied Pat.

"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"

"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"

"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all—at all," came the reply. "He kapes the pawnshop!"

NOTHING NEW TO HIM

The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much.

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully.

"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver. I've been driving a car for seven years."

"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been walking for fifty-seven years."

Lady (to pedlar): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the door."

Pedlar: "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.

Mother: It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.

Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.

She (pouting): You don't value my kisses as you used to.

He: Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment for a new dress.

KNOWLEDGE

The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."

"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."

A HUMBLING SIGHT

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.

"Is that me?" she queried.

"Yes, madam," replied the artist.

"And is it like me?" she again asked.

"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."

"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."

Dollie: Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very well.

Pollie (kindly): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, I suppose.

TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER

A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"

The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!" she replied. "What else should I be doing?"

For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"

Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drowning): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.

Sailor: Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!

Steward: Can I do anything for you, sir?

Passenger (faintly): You might present my compliments to the chief engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.

Lady (to box office manager): Can you tell me what they are playing to-morrow night?

Box Office Manager: "You Never Can Tell," Madam.

Lady: Don't they even let you know?

Village Idiot: Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.

Employer (rebuking employee for slackness): Have you any idea of the meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?

Stenographer: No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want to.

Sympathetic Lady: What's the matter with your hand, my little man?

Boy: Sawed the top of my finger off.

Sympathetic Lady: Dear, dear, how did you do that?

Boy: Sawing.

REMEMBERED

Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has.

"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.

"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."

An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.

"And do you remember me, my little man?"

"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."

NATURAL DEDUCTION

"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.

"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.

"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."

"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this morning?"

TOO GOOD

"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married."

"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."

"Is he a good provider, Alice?"

"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's gwine git catched at it."

AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT

Mother: "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys don't fight."

Johnnie: "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."

TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA

Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired of his father:

"Dad, who was Mozart?"

"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."

HE TAKES YOUR TIME

"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too."

THE FLOOR HELD

"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend.

"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"

HIS DIFFICULTY

Real Estate Agent: "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"

Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser: "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."

THE REAL JOB

"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"

"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."

OFF LIKE A SHOT

It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.

"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.

"Yes, sir."

"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"

"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the prisoner."

"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you heard the second shot."

"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."

ANSWERED

She: "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"

He: "A bachelor."

TO BE SURE

Lily: "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me at the piano."

Edith: "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"

A CLOSE CALL

Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazement was great.

The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the 3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.