Part 17

"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"

Breathless Visitor: Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones—

Doctor: No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.

They were talking over the days that will never return, so they asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp, and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We had a new sergeant—new to the routine of a camp, and after he had checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should say as much, full as a tick.'"

READY AND WILLING

Magistrate: "Can't this case be settled out of court?"

Mulligan: "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered."

An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."

An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently. "I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."

Chloe: I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin' on Friday.

Daphne: What bad luck done come to you?

Chloe: I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.

The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What—who?" stammered the professor absently. "Why interrupt me—isn't my wife at home?"

SARCASM

Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged.

When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the chairman.

"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he said.

"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.

"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking half-an-hour I do a high dive."

NONE AT ALL

Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.

"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey."

"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither."

"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"

"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye think you've got?"

ART AND NATURE

Husband: "What was that you were playing, my dear?"

Wife: "Did you like it?"

"It was lovely—the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"

"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid."

"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."

MISUNDERSTOOD

Mistress: "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."

Maid: "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"

ALL BRAINS

A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:

"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"

"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.

"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of laughter.

THIRTEEN TO ONE

Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced:

"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.

A GOOD ACTOR

Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."

TOO SAD FOR THAT

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."

Wife (enthusiastically): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford—

Hubby (resignedly): When have they promised to deliver it?

REALISED

Lawyer: "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."

Client: "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth."

NEVER MISS ONE

Elder sister: "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two."

Younger sister: "No doubt—and never miss them."

A BAD NIGHT

The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel—one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:

"Did you have a good night's rest?"

"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"

TRIPPED

The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them—everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.

"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he asked gently.

"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"

"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"

"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.

"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said passionately. "You are too good—too beautiful. The man who wins you should love you for yourself alone."

"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the money—not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."

"Oh—er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, aren't we?"

THE GLOOMY GUEST

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up.

"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.

"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink."

A well-known admiral—a stickler for uniform—stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

First Little Girl: What's your last name, Annie?

Second Little Girl: Don't know yet; I ain't married.

Kloseman: I didn't see you in church last Sunday.

Keen: Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah," said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs to see dat I'se got on gloves?"

Dad (sternly): Where were you last night?

Son: Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

Dad: Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's dresses."

A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer—that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."

Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment. Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.

"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth a penny.'"

"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac. "Four dollars or nothing."

"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.

"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.

"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really worth."

NOT IN THE BUSINESS

"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?"

"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."

HER VIEWS

Mrs. de Vere: "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!"

Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common."

A GOOD MATCH

Proprietor: "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"

Assistant: "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat."

LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM

Old Job: "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"

Old Steve: "Why not choose the latter and get both?"

He (just introduced): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!

She: Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.

He: How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!

A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel.

"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."

Pompous Publisher (to aspiring novice in literature): I have been reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I think—ahem!—very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.

Youthful Authoress (wishing to show herself most ready to accept advice): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?

FISHY RECORD

First Stenog. (reading): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!"

Second Stenog.: "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars."

A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.

"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."

Lady: Well, what do you want?

Tramp: Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the front—

Lady (with interest): Really—

Tramp: Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round to the back.

"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a consultation."

"Of doctors?"

"Of dressmakers."

"You discharged your office boy?"

"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."

"I guess you've seen the last of him."

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."

"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it—such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."

PERFECT AGREEMENT

Mother: "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"

Georgia: "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."

She: Jack is in love with you.

Her: Nonsense!

She: That's what I said when I heard it.

Her: How dared you!

Professor (endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

Senior: A professor!

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:

"What's the name of this wheel?"

"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:

"Can you recommend the Belva?"

"What this country needs is more production."

"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."

BOTTLED COURAGE

"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"

"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

IT WORKED

A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.

"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:

"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"

"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.

"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the scarlet fever, I think."

"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."

He turned to obey.

"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the bread, said humbly:

"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"

"Get out of my shop."

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him.

"Well, Bill?" he said.

"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."

FILM FEVER

Nurse: "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"

Guy: "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."

THE DRUGGIST'S TURN

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.

"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"

"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"

"Yes, but what—"

"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a prescription filled."

WRONG BROTHER

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:

"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"

"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

Doctor: "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business—what, you haven't taken any of it?"

Patient: "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"

"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."

"All right."

"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it—you will get $500."

Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some experience of live stock?

Applicant for Post: Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

Mr. Graham: "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"

Miss F.: "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"

Mr. Graham: "Stag-nation, of course!"

GUILTY

Sister: "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."

Brother: "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."

Sister: "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't know what to confess."