The Lovers Assistant; Or, New Art of Love · Henry Fielding

Part 4

Chapter 4 of 4 · 10 min read

Paris, every one knows, no sooner had received Mrs. Helen, than he immediately carried her off to his Father's Court.

Upon this the Grecians entered into an Association; and several Noblemen raised Regiments at their own Expence, out of their Regard to the Public: For Cuckoldom was a public Cause, no one knowing whose Turn it would be next.

Lieutenant-General Achilles, who was to command a large Body of Grenadiers, which the Greeks call Myrmidons, did not behave handsomely on that Occasion, though he got off afterwards at a Court-Martial by pleading, that his Mother (who had a great deal in her own Power) had insisted on his acting the Part he did; for, I am ashamed to say, he dressed himself in Women's Clothes, and hid himself at the House of one Lycomedes, a Man of good Fortune in those parts.

Fie upon it, General, I am ashamed to see you sit quilting among the Girls; a Sword becomes your Hands much better than a Needle.

What can you mean by that Work-Basket in a Hand by which Count Hector is to fall? Do you carry that Basket with you to put his Head in?

For Shame then, cast away your Huswife, and all those effeminate Trinkets from a Fist able to wield Harry the Fifth's Sword.

It happened, that at the same Time when the General, at the House of 'Squire Lycomedes, performed this Feat, Miss Deidamia, one of the Maids of Honour, was visiting at the same Place. This young Lady soon discovered that the General was a Man; for indeed he got her Maidenhead.

He ravished her, that is the Truth on't; that a Gentleman ought to believe, in Favour of the Lady: But he may believe the Lady was willing enough to be ravished at the same Time.

When the General threw away his Needle, and grasped the Armour, (you must remember the Story, for it was in the Trojan Alamain) the young Lady began to change her Note, and to hope he would not forsake her so.

Ah! little Mia! is this the Violence you complained of? Is this the Ravisher you are afraid of? Why with that gentle Voice do you solicite the Author of your Dishonour to stay with you?

To come at once to the Moral of my Story; as they are ashamed to make the first Advances, so they are ready to suffer whatever a pushing Man can do unto them.

As for those pretty Master-Misses, the Adonis's of the Age, who confide in their own Charms, and desire to be courted by the Girls; believe me, they will stay long enough before they are asked the Question.

If you are a Man, make the first Overtures: Remember, it is the Man's Part to address the Fair; and it will be her's to be tenderly won.

Be bold then, and put the Question; she desires no more than to have the Question put; and sure you will not deny your own Wishes that Favour.

Jupiter himself went a courting to the Heroines of old: For I never heard of any Girl who courted him.

But if you find Madam gives herself any immoderate Airs at your Proposal, it will then be good to recede a little from your Undertaking, and to affect to sheer off: For many of them, according to the Poet,

Pursue what flies, and fly what doth pursue.

A short Absence will soon cure her Disdain.

It may be proper likewise to conceal your intentions a little at first, and make your first Advance under the Pretence of Platonic Friendship.

I have known many a Prude taken under these false Colours; and the Platonic Friend hath soon become a happy Lover.

And now as to your Complexion; for believe me, this is a Matter of some Consequence: Though I would not have you effeminate, yet I would have you delicate.

A fair Complexion in a Tar is scandalous, and looks more like a Borough Captain or one of those fresh-water Sailors, who have so much dishonoured our Navy. The Skin of a Seaman ought to be rough, and well battered with Winds and Waves.

Such likewise ought to be the Face of a Fox-hunter, who ought not to fear Rain or Easterly Winds: And the fame becomes the Soldier.

But let the Soldier of Venus look fair and delicate; nay, if your Complexion inclines to Paleness, so much the better; for this will be imputed by every young Girl to Love.

Young Orion with a pale Countenance wandered through the Groves, being sick with the Love of Lyrice: And the same Effect had the Love of Naïs upon the Countenance of Daphnis; two Lovers very famous in Antiquity.

Leanness is another Token of a Lover; to obtain which, you need not take Physick; sitting up all Night; and writing Love-Letters, will bring this about.

Be sure to look as miserable as possible; so that every one who sees you, may cry, There goes a Lover.

And here shall I lament the Wickedness of Mankind, or only simply observe it to you? But in Reality all Friendship and Integrity are nothing more than Names.

Alas! It is dangerous to be too prodigal in the Praises of your Mistress, even to your Friend; for if he believes you, he becomes your Rival.

It is true there are some old Stories of faithful Friends: Patroclus never made a Cuckold of Achilles; and Phaedra's Chastity was never attempted by Pirithous.

Pylades loved Hermions, who was his Friend's Wife; but it was with the pure Love of a Brother: And the same Fidelity did Castor preserve towards his Twin-Brother Pollux.

But if you expect to find such Instances in these degenerate Days, you may as well have Faith enough to expect a Pine-Apple from a Pear-Tree, or to hope to fill your Bottle with Burgundy from the River.

I am afraid we are grown so bad, that Iniquity itself gives a Relish to our Pleasures; and every Man is not only addicted to his Pleasures, but those are the sweeter, when season'd with another's Pain.

It is in short a terrible Case, that a Lover ought to fear his Friend more than his Enemy. Beware of the former, and you are safe.

Beware of your Cousin, and your Brother, and your dear and intimate Companions. These are the Sort of Gentry, from whom you are to apprehend most Danger.

Here I intended to have finished; but one Rule more suggests itself.

You are to note then, that there is a great Variety in the Tempers of Women; for a thousand different Women are to be wooed a thousand different Ways.

Mr. Miller will tell you, that the same kind of Soil is not proper for all Fruits. One produces good Carrots, another Potatoes, and a third Turneps. Now there is as great a Variety of Disposition in the human Mind, as there are Forms in the World: For which Reason a Politician is capable of accommodating himself to innumerable Kinds of Tempers: Not Proteus could indeed diversify himself more Ways than he can.

Nay you may learn this Lesson from every Fisherman; for some Fish are to be taken with one Bait, and some with another; others will scarce bite at any, but are however to be drawn out of the Water by a Net.

One good Caution under this Head, is to consider the Age of your Mistress: Old Birds are not taken with Chaff; and an old Hare will be sure to double.

Again, consider Circumstances. Do not frighten an ignorant Woman with Learning, nor a poor Country Girl with your fine Cloathes; for by these Means you will create in them too great an Awe of you. Many a Girl hath run away frighted from the Embraces of the Master, and afterwards fallen into the Clutches of his Footman.

And here we will now cast our Anchor, having finished the first Part of our intended Voyage.

FOOTNOTES

it was opened. This Medea afterwards, on account of the same Anger with Jason, tore to pieces her two Sons which she had bore to him.]

Preceptor of that young Hero.]

PUBLICATIONS OF THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY

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Numbers 1-6 out of print.

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7. John Gay's The Present State of Wit (1711); and a section on Wit from The English Theophrastus (1702).

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9. T. Hanmer's (?) Some Remarks on the Tragedy of Hamlet (1736).

10. Corbyn Morris' Essay towards Fixing the True Standards of Wit, etc. (1744).

11. Thomas Purney's Discourse on the Pastoral (1717).

12. Essays on the Stage, selected, with an Introduction by Joseph Wood Krutch.

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13. Sir John Falstaff (pseud.), The Theatre (1720).

14. Edward Moore's The Gamester (1753).

15. John Oldmixon's Reflections on Dr. Swift's Letter to Harley (1712); and Arthur Mainwaring's The British Academy (1712).

16. Nevil Payne's Fatal Jealousy (1673).

17. Nicholas Rowe's Some Account of the Life of Mr. William Shakespeare (1709).

18. "Of Genius," in The Occasional Paper, Vol. III, No. 10 (1719); and Aaron Hill's Preface to The Creation (1720).

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19. Susanna Centlivre's The Busie Body (1709).

20. Lewis Theobold's Preface to The Works of Shakespeare (1734).

21. Out of print.

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23. John Dryden's His Majesties Declaration Defended (1681).

24. Out of print.

Fifth Year (1950-1951)

25. Thomas Baker's The Fine Lady's Airs (1709).

26. Charles Macklin's The Man of the World (1792).

27. Out of print.

28. John Evelyn's An Apologie for the Royal Party (1659); and A Panegyric to Charles the Second (1661).

29. Daniel Defoe's A Vindication of the Press (1718).

30. Essays on Taste from John Gilbert Cooper's Letters Concerning Taste, 3rd edition (1757), & John Armstrong's Miscellanies (1770).

Sixth Year (1951-1952)

31. Thomas Gray's An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard (1751); and The Eton College Manuscript.

32. Prefaces to Fiction; Georges de Scudéry's Preface to Ibrahim (1674), etc.

33. Henry Gally's A Critical Essay on Characteristic-Writings (1725).

34. Thomas Tyers' A Biographical Sketch of Dr. Samuel Johnson (1785).

35. James Boswell, Andrew Erskine, and George Dempster. Critical Strictures on the New Tragedy of Elvira, Written by Mr. David Mallock (1763).

36. Joseph Harris's The City Bride (1696).

Seventh Year (1952-1953)

37. Thomas Morrison's A Pindarick Ode on Painting (1767).

38. John Phillips' A Satyr Against Hypocrites (1655).

39. Thomas Warton's A History of English Poetry.

40. Edward Bysshe's The Art of English Poetry (1708).

41. Bernard Mandeville's A Letter to Dion (1732).

42. Prefaces to Four Seventeenth-Century Romances.

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43. John Baillie's An Essay on the Sublime (1747).

44. Mathias Casimire Sarbiewski's The Odes of Casimire, Translated by G. Hils (1646).

45. John Robert Scott's Dissertation on the Progress of the Fine Arts.

46. Selections from Seventeenth Century Songbooks.

47. Contemporaries of the Tatler and Spectator.

48. Samuel Richardson's Introduction to Pamela.

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49. Two St. Cecilia's Day Sermons (1696-1697).

50. Hervey Aston's A Sermon Before the Sons of the Clergy, (1745).

51. Lewis Maidwell's An Essay upon the Necessity and Excellency of Education (1705).

52. Pappity Stampoy's A Collection of Scotch Proverbs (1663).

53. Urian Oakes' The Soveraign Efficacy of Divine Providence (1682)

54. Mary Davys' Familiar Letters Betwixt a Gentleman and a Lady (1725).

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55. Samuel Say's An Essay on the Harmony, Variety, and Power of Numbers (1745).

56. Theologia Ruris, sive Schola & Scala Naturae (1686).

57. Out of print.

58. Eighteenth-Century Book Illustrations.

59. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. I, Comedies, Part I.

60. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. I, Comedies, Part II.

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61. Elizabeth Elstob's An Apology for the Study of Northern Antiquities (1715).

62. Two Funeral Sermons (1635).

63. Parodies of Ballad Criticism (1711-1787).

64. Prefaces to Three Eighteenth-Century Novels (1708, 1751, 1797).

65. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. II, Histories, Part I.

66. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. II, Histories, Part II.

Twelfth Year (1957-1958)

67. Henry Fielding's The Voyages of Mr. Job Vinegar (1740).

68. Elkanah Settle's The Notorious Impostor (1692) and Diego Redivivus (1692).

69. An Historical View of the ... Political Writers in Great Britain (1740).

70. G.W., Magazine, or Animadversions on the English Spelling (1703).

71. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. III, Tragedies, Part I.

72. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. III, Tragedies, Part II.

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73. Samuel Johnson's Notes to Shakespeare. Vol. III, Tragedies, Part III.

74. Seventeenth-Century Tales of the Supernatural.

75. John Joyne, A Journal (1679).

76. André Dacier, Preface to Aristotle's Art of Poetry (1705).

77-78. David Hartley, Various Conjectures on the Perception, Motion, and Generation of Ideas (1746).

Fourteenth Year (1959-1960)

79. William Herbert, Third Earl of Pembroke's Poems (1660).

80. [P. Whalley's] An Essay on the Manner of Writing History (1746).

81. Two Burlesques of Lord Chesterfield's Letters The Graces (1774). The Fine Gentleman's Etiquette (1776).

82. Henry Fuseli's Remarks on the Writings and Conduct of J. J. Rousseau (1767).

83. Sawney and Colley (1742) and other Pope Pamphlets.

84. Richard Savage's An Author To Be Lett (1729).

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85-86. Essays on the Theatre from Eighteenth-Century Periodicals. Selected, with an introduction, by John Loftis. [double issue]

87. Daniel Defoe, Of Captain Misson and his Crew (1728). Introduction by Maximillian E. Novak.

88. Samuel Butler, Poems. Selected, with an introduction, by Alexander C. Spence.

89. Henry Fielding, Ovid's Art of Love (1760). Introduction by Claude E. Jones.

90. Henry Needier, Works (1728). Selected, with an introduction, by Marcia Allentuck.

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Publications for the fifteenth year (1960-1961)

Six items, most of them from the following list, will be reprinted.

Samuel Butler, Poems. Selected, with an introduction, by Alexander C. Spence.

Daniel Defoe, Of Captain Misson and his Crew (1728). Introduction by Maximillian E. Novak.

Eighteenth-Century Illustrations to The Faerie Queene. Introduction by Ralph Cohen.

Essays on the Theatre from Eighteenth-Century Periodicals. Selected, with an introduction, by John Loftis. [double issue]

Henry Fielding, Ovid's Art of Love (1760). Introduction by Claude E. Jones.

Francis Hutcheson, Reflections on Laughter (1729). Introduction by Scott Elledge.

Henry Needier, Works (1728). Selected, with an introduction, by Marcia Allentuck.

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